Message: 2
    Date: Mon, 02 Apr 2001 22: 32: 25 -0400
    From: Patrick Cleaver < ptc@iglou.com>
Subject: Bad days

THE NEXT TIME YOU THINK YOU ARE HAVING A BAD DAY:

Fire authorities in California found a corpse in a burned out section of forest while assessing the damage done by a forest fire. The deceased male was dressed in a full wet suit, complete with scuba tanks on his back, flippers, and facemask.

A post-mortem revealed that the person died not from burns, but from massive internal injuries. Dental records provided a positive identification.

Investigators then set about to determine how a fully clad diver ended up in the middle of a forest fire.

It was revealed that on the day of the fire, the person went for a diving trip off the coast some 20 miles from the forest. The fire fighters, seeking to control the fire as quickly as possible, called in a fleet of helicopters with very large dip buckets. Water was dipped from the ocean and then flown to the forest fire and emptied.

You guessed it.

One minute our diver was making like Flipper in the Pacific, the next he was doing the breaststroke in a fire dip bucket 300 feet in the air.

Apparently he extinguished exactly 5'10" of the fire.

Some days it just doesn't pay to get out of bed.

This article was taken from the California Examiner, March 20,
1998

STILL THINK YOU ARE HAVING A BAD DAY?

A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio and his wife was in the kitchen.

The man was racing the engine on the motorcycle when it accidentally slipped into gear. The man, still holding onto the handle bars, was dragged through the glass patio doors and along with the motorcycle dumped onto the floor inside the house.

The wife, hearing the crash, ran into the dining room and found her husband lying on the floor, cut and bleeding, the motorcycle lying next to him, and the shattered patio door. The wife ran to the phone and summoned the ambulance.

Because they lived on a fairly large hill, the wife went down the several flights of stairs to the street to escort the paramedics to her husband.

After the ambulance arrived and transported the man to the hospital, the wife up righted the motorcycle and pushed it outside. Seeing that gas was spilled on the floor, the wife got some paper towels, blotted up the gasoline, and threw the towels in the toilet. The man was treated and released to come home.

Upon arriving home, he looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He became despondent, went to the bathroom, sat down on the toilet and smoked a cigarette. After finishing the cigarette, he flipped it between his legs into the toilet bowl while seated.

The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard the loud explosion and her husband screaming. She ran into the bathroom and found her husband lying on the floor. His trousers had been blown away and he was suffering burns on the buttocks, the back of his legs, and his groin.

The wife again ran to the phone to call the ambulance. The very same paramedic crew was dispatched and the wife met them at the street. The paramedics loaded the husband on to the stretcher and began carrying him to the street. While they were going down the stairs to the street accompanied by the wife, one of the paramedics asked the wife how the husband had burned himself.

She told them and the paramedics started laughing so hard, one of them slipped and tipped the stretcher, dumping the husband out. He fell down the remaining stairs and broke his arm.

Taken from a Florida Newspaper.

Having a bad day? Just remember, it could be worse.....

1. The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.

2. A psychology student in New York rented out her spare room to a carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his reactions. After weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her with an axe leaving her mentally retarded.

3. A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking his arm in two places. Until that moment he had been happily listening to his Walkman.

4. Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn Germany. Suddenly the pigs, all two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death.

And finally, this year's winner of the annual Darwin Award.......

5. Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with " return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.

Your day's not so bad, is it?

Message: 3
    Date: Mon, 02 Apr 2001 22: 38: 18 -0400
    From: Patrick Cleaver < ptc@iglou.com>
Subject: Golf

    In primitive society, when native tribes beat the ground with clubs and yelled, it was called witchcraft; today, in   civilized society, it is called golf.

    Golf is an expensive way of playing marbles.

    Golf is a game in which the slowest people in the world are   those in front of you, and the fastest are those behind.

    Golf: A five mile walk punctuated with disappointments.

    The secret of good golf is to hit the ball hard, straight and   not too often.

    There's no game like golf: you go out with three friends, play eighteen holes, and return with three enemies.

    Golf was once a rich man's sport, but now it has millions of poor players.

    An amateur golfer is one who addresses the ball twice: once before swinging, and once again after swinging.

    Many a golfer prefers a golf cart to a caddy because the cart cannot count, criticize or laugh.