翻訳者募集！ 翻訳ができたらできたら送ってね。　皆さん、楽しいジョークとか楽しい話しがあったら送ってください。苦労の多い世の中です。教会も例外ではありません。ここは一つこのようなファイルの出番かな？

『フマネ･ヴィテ』研究会

健康で楽しいジョーク

ここにあなたが翻訳した文章が…タイトルは　　修理工と心臓外科医　　はい、後はあなたの出番です。

ひどい男？

ラス・ベガスでの出来事。酔っぱらった男がマジック・ショーを見に行った。あっ！と驚くようなすばらしい奇術を見た彼は、自分の席から立ち上がり、興奮して叫んだ。

「一体どうしてそんなことができたんだい？」

奇術師が答えた。「教えて差し上げることはできますが、その後でわたしはあなたを殺してしまわなければなりません。」

その男はしばらく黙っていたが、大きな声で叫んだ。「分かった。それでは…家内に教えてやってくれ。」

物忘れ

年輩の夫婦がかかりつけの病院で診察を受け、物忘れがひどくなったことを訴えた。医師はそれがまったく正常であることを保証し、これからは何でもメモしておくよう忠告した。
夕方、夫が言った。「何かおやつを買ってくるよ。あんた何が欲しい？」
「わたしはアイスクリームにするわ」と妻は言った。
出かけようとする彼に向かって彼女が言った。「あなた、忘れないようにメモして持って行きなさいよ。」
「いや、その必要はない。」
「ストローベリーを上に載っけたのがいいわ。あなた、忘れるわよ。ちゃんと紙にメモしたら？」
「いや、そんなことなんかしなくてもいい。」
彼女の注文はそれだけではなかった。「あなた、アイスクリームの上にはナッツも欲しいわ。 お願いだから、ちゃんとメモしてよ。」
夫は妻をにらみつけた。
さて、しばらくして帰ってきた夫は、手にベーコンと卵を持っているではないか！
「だから、メモしてって言ったじゃない。わたしのトーストはどこにあるの？」

二人の老女

何十年も仲良しだった二人のおばあさんのお話です。買い物でも旅行でも、二人はいつでも一緒でした。でも、近頃の活動といえば毎週何回か一緒にトランプをする程度になりました。

ある日のこと、カードゲームの最中に、一人が相手をしげしげと見つめてこう言いました。

「ねえ。怒らないでよ。…わたしたちは長いこと友達だったけど…わたしどうしてもあなたの名前を思い出せないの…ホント！ いくら考えても思い出せないんだわ。悪いけれど、お名前を教えてちょうだい。」

友人は彼女を少なくとも3分間見つめてから、とうとう言いました。「あなた、急いでる？」

女の第六感

ある若者が母親に言った。彼は恋に陥り、結婚したいと言うのだ。

「お母さん、明日3人の女の子を連れてくるから、その中のどの子と僕が結婚するのか当ててみない？ 面白いと思うよ。」母親は同意した。

次の日、彼は3人の美女を連れてきて、応接間のソーファに座らせた。3人は母親としばらくおしゃべりをしたものだ。で、息子が聞いた。「お母さん、僕が結婚するのはどの子か分かった？」

母親はまったく躊躇せずに答えた。「真ん中の子だろう？」

「驚いたなぁ！ 正解だよ、お母さん。でも、どうして分かったの？」

「だって、わたしあの子が嫌いだもの。」

食前の祈り

あるキリスト教徒がローマの円形劇場にライオンと一緒に投げ入れられた。恐怖に駆られたこのキリスト信者は跪いて神様に祈り始めた。ところが、何と、ライオンも跪いて祈り始めたではないか！ キリスト信者には希望が見え始めたというものだ。彼は大声で叫んだ。「主よ、感謝します。あなたは何とキリスト信者のライオンをわたしに送ってくださったのですね！」すると、ライオンがこう言った。「おまえさんの宗教は何か知らないが、わしは今食前の祈りを唱えているんだよ」。

宝くじと神様

ある人が宝くじの特等に当たるよう神様に一生懸命に祈りました。ところが当たらない。腹が立ったものの、相手は神様です。忍耐が肝心。次の宝くじで  はもっと熱心に祈りました。また当たらない。

このようにして七回ぐらい同じことが  続きました。で、とうとう神様に腹を立てたその男は天につばを吐きかけて、大声でわめきました。「神様、あんたはわたしがあれほど祈ったのに一つもわたしの祈りを聞き入れてくださいません。どうなっているのですか？ もうあなたを信じるのは止めようかと思います」。

すると、これは非常に珍しいことですが、神様が返事をなさいました。「分かったよ。でも、一度ぐらいは宝くじを購入してくれたらどんなものだろうかね？ 」

..

acjspres@aol.com wrote:

The  Mechanic & The Surgeon

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley, when he spotted a world-famous heart surgeon in his shop.

The heart surgeon was waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike. The mechanic shouted across the garage,   " Hey Doc can I ask you a question?" The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on  the motorcycle.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and  asked,  " So Doc, look at this engine. I also can open hearts, take valves out, fix'em, put in new parts and when I finish this will work just like a new one.

So how come I get a pittance and you get the really big money, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The  surgeon paused, smiled, leaned over,  and whispered to the mechanic....." Try doing it with the engine running!

Note to all who may have tendencies toward political correctness:   This is a joke, and ONLY a joke!  The perpetrator is most certainly NOT advocating violence against women!  It's a pity that disclaimers like this have to be made now and then.  Sigh

WHAT A GUY

During a recent vacation in Las Vegas, a drunk went to see a popular magic show. After one especially amazing feat, the drunk stood up from his seat in the back of the theater and yelled,

" How'd you do that?"
 
" I could tell you, sir," the magician answered, " But then I'd have to kill you."    

After a short pause, the drunk yelled back, " OK, then just tell my wife!"

An elderly couple went to the doctor complaining about their memory loss. The doctor explained it is normal, and suggested they try and write things down.

In the evening the husband said, " I'm going to get something to snack on. Do you want something?" " I'll take some ice cream please," said the wife. He started off and she said, " Better write that down." He said, " No need." She added, " Put some strawberries on top, and write this down." He said, " No need." Again she added, " I need some nuts on that too. Better write it down." He gave her a look.

Much later he returned with bacon and eggs. " I told you to write it down, " she said, " Where is my toast?"

TWO ELDERLY LADIES

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities & adventures.

Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said,

" Now don't get mad at me . . . I know we've been friends for a long time . . . but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."

Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared. Finally she said, " How soon do you need to know?"

We're just about there. God bless you.
Mr & Mrs Frank Kramer

Date: Wed, 04 Apr 2001 20: 52: 34 -0400
From: Bill Basile < bbasile@netacc.net>
Subject: Women's instinct

A young man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and going to get married.

He says, " Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over 3 women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry." The mother agrees.

The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, " Okay, Ma, guess which one I'm going to marry."

She immediately replies, "The one in the middle."

"That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?"

"I don't like her."

Date: Thu, 8 Mar 2001 15: 23: 38 -0500
From: " John and Diana Newman" < newmanjd@prodigy.net

Subject: Test 
Two guys were taking chemistry at the University of Alabama.  They were so confident going into the final that two days before, they decided to go up to the University of Tennessee and party with some friends. They had a great time.   However,   they overslept and didn't make it back to Alabama until the morning of the exam.
 
Rather than take the final, they found their professor afterward to explain why they missed the final. They told   him that they went up to the University of Tennessee for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but   that they had a flat tire on the way back, and didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time, so they were late in getting back to campus. The professor thought this over and told them they could make up the final on the following day. The two guys were relieved. They studied that night and went in the next day for the final. The professor  placed them in separate rooms, and handed each of them a test   booklet and told them to begin. 
 
They looked at the first problem, which was worth 5 points. It was something simple. " Cool," they thought. " This is going to be easy." They did that problem and then turned the page. Question #2 said: " Which tire?" (95 Points).

Date: Tue, 06 Mar 2001 16: 17: 09 -0700
From: Rick Felix < aztubaman@myexcel.com
Subject: [Fwd: Life (From Azame2)]

Another one from Thousaand Oaks:

Grayoaks@aol.com wrote:

Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a  free trip around  the sun.
 
Birthdays are good for you: the more you have  the longer you live.
 
How long a minute is depends on what side of the  bathroom door you're  on.
 
I have noticed that the people who are late are  often so much jollier  than the people who have to wait for them.
 
If  ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?
 
Most of us go to our  grave with our music still inside of us.
 
If Wal-Mart is lowering prices  every day, how come nothing in the store is  free yet?
 
You may be only  one person in the world, but you may also be the world  to one person.
 
Some mistakes are too much fun to make only once.
 
Don't cry  because its over; smile because it happened.
 
We could learn a lot from crayons: some are  sharp, some are pretty,  some are dull,  have weird names, and all are  different colors ...but they  all have to  learn to live in the same box.
 
Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.
 
A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.
 
Happiness comes through doors you didn't even know you left open. 
 

" Date: Wed, 28 Feb 2001 19: 29: 55 -0000
From: " Nicholas Bergstrom-Allen" < cambridgeshire.boys.choir@ntlworld.com
Subject: Another light-hearted contribution: The grateful lion

A Christian was thrown into the Coliseum with a lion. Terrified, he fell
to his knees and started praying. At the same time, the lion dropped to
his own knees and started praying, too. The Christian, filled with hope,
exclaimed, " Thank you Lord, for sparing me by sending a Christian lion!"
The lion replied, " I don't know about you, but I'm saying grace."

Date: Tue, 06 Mar 2001 14: 16: 39 -0000
From: sbatal@netcom.ca
Subject: (unknown)

I have in my hands two boxes
Which God gave me to hold
He said, " Put all your sorrows in the black,
And all your joys in the gold."
 
I heeded His words, and in the two boxes
Both my joys and sorrows I stored
But though the gold became heavier each day
The black was as light as before.
 
With curiosity, I opened the black
I wanted to find out why
And I saw, in the base of the box, a hole
Which my sorrows had fallen out by.
 
I showed the hole to God, and mused aloud,
" I wonder where my sorrows could be."
He smiled a gentle smile at me."
" My child, they're all here with me."
 
I asked, " God, why give me the boxes,
Why the gold, and the black with the hole?"
" My child, the gold is for you to count your blessings,
The black is for you to let go.