In the good old days when pastors charged
ten cents to enter church for Sunday Mass,
this man paid his dime upon entering. After
Mass was finished he walked out of the church,
only to discover that he had forgotten his
hat inside. He turned to go back in. A new
usher was at the door.
" Sir, pay your dime here, please."
" Let me explain. I already paid and attended Mass. I forgot my hat inside and want to go back to get it."
" Everybody pays a dime to get in here!"
" No! I paid already. All I want to do is pick up my hat."
The usher had to think a while. What to do? Then:
" Well, okay. I'll let you in to get your hat. Only that. But don't stop to do any praying."
This farmer bought a much neglected place.
He asked the local pastor to bless it.
The pastor looked around: fences were down, cows were in the cornfield, the barn roof sagged, weeds hid lots of junk.
He sprinkled holy water profusely and blessed ostentatiously.
A year later the pastor came again: fences were up, cows were corralled, roofs were straight, weeds were trimmed.
" The Lord sure did good here after I blessed the place."
" Well," said the farmer, not too pleased. After all the farmer's hard work, the priest bragged only about how the Lord had changed things after the blessing. Finally the farmer looked up:
" But you saw how the place looked," he said, " how miserable it was when the Lord was trying to do it all by Himself alone"
Sign in a farm-equipment dealer's repair
shop: " We do three types of jobs - Cheap,
Quick, and Good.
You can have any two: A good job quick, but it won't be cheap;
a good job cheap, but it won't be quick;
a cheap job quick, but it won't be good."
The elderly couple were enjoying the evening
together on the porch swing.
She: If I were to die, would you marry again?
He: Well .... I guess I'd be lonesome. I might.
She: Would you have her live in this house?
He: Yea, I guess so. I wouldn't know where else to go.
She: Would you drive around with her in the car?
He: I suppose so.
She: Would you let her sit next to you the way I'm doing?
He: Well, I guess so.
She: Would you let her use my golf clubs?
He: Oh no! Because she's left handed!
One night, a police officer was stalking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving-under-the-influence laws.
At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then, sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away.
The police officer was waiting for him.
He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The
puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be.
The driver replied, " Tonight, I'm the designated decoy."
There was a traveler who stopped at a motel in Texas. He went to the restaurant and ordered a beer. They brought him the biggest stein of beer he ever saw - with two handles. " That is a big mug of beer," the traveler remarked. " Everything is big in Texas," the waiter replied. Next he ordered a steak. It was immense. " What an enormous piece of steak," the man said. " Everything is big in Texas," he heard again. Finally he ordered a cigar. It was huge, ten inches long and an inch thick. " That sure is a big cigar," the customer commented. " Everything is big in Texas," came the reply.
The traveler wanted to go to the men's room.
He asked directions. " Just down the
hall," he was told. So he went down
the hall. There were two doors at the end
of the corridor, one to the right, one to
the left. He opened the one to the right
and walked through. It was the swimming pool,
and he fell in.
" Don't flush! Don't flush!" he yelled.
Three retired priests, hard of hearing, cruised
the country-side on a hot day.
Said one, as they passed a town: " Is this Wembley."
" No," said the other, " This is Thursday."
" I'm thirsty too, said the third. " Let's stop to lift one."