ストレッチャーに寝かされた小さな男の子が二人手術室の外で待っています。以下は連中の会話。
｢何の手術なの？｣
｢扁桃腺。ぼく怖いよ｣
｢そんなのヘッチャラだよ！ ぼくは4歳のとき扁桃腺の手術してもらったけど、麻酔をかけてくれて、目が覚めたときには済んでたのさ。そしてあめ玉とかアイスクリームを食べさせてくれたんだ｣
｢それで、君は何の手術してもらうの？｣
｢包皮を取ってしまうんだって。ユダヤ教の人たちはこの手術のことを割礼って言うんだよね｣
｢いやー、あれは大変な手術だよ。ぼくなんか生まれてすぐその手術を受けてね、その後一年は歩くこともできなかったんだ｣
屋根裏部屋のコウモリ
メソジストの牧師とカトリック神父とバプティストの牧師が屋根裏部屋に住み着いたコウモリについて話し合った。
メソジスト曰く、鉄砲で屋根裏部屋のコウモリを撃ち落とそうとしたら、天井と屋根に穴を開けてしまい、コウモリはまだそこにいるとのこと。
カトリック神父はコウモリを捕まえて32キロも離れたところに連れて行って離したら、帰ってきたそうだ。
バプティストの牧師によると、彼の解決はコウモリを捕まえて、洗礼を授けて、洗礼名簿に載せたら、それ以来どこかに行って二度と姿を見せなかったそうだ。
ある日のこと、ラビが医師にこう尋ねた。｢先生、21歳になる息子のことで心配しているのです。彼はこれから何をするつもりなのでしょうか？｣
医師は答えた。｢心配いりませんよ。明日息子さんを連れていらっしゃい。｣
それを聞いてラビは大喜びで帰った。さて、次の日、ラビは嫌がる息子を連れて医師を訪れた。
医師はラビにこう言った。｢いいですか、わたしは今から息子さんをテストします。聖書と金とブドウ酒のビンをテーブルに置きましょう。もし息子さんが聖書を手に取ったら、彼はあなたのようにラビになるでしょう。｣
にんまり笑ったラビは言った。｢で、もし彼が金に手を伸ばしたら？｣
｢その場合、彼は金持ちの事業家になるでしょう。もし、ブドウ酒のビンに手を伸ばしたら、彼はアル中になるでしょうな。｣
ラビは心配だったが、とにかく廊下でテストの結果を待つことにした。10分経過し、医師が部屋から出てきた。ひどく心配そうな顔をしているではないか。
｢先生、息子はどれを選択したのでしょうか？｣
｢まあ、お座り下さい。息子さんは聖書を手に取ったかと思うと、金をポケットに入れ、次にはブドウ酒を飲み始めたのです。｣
ラビは聞いた。｢で、彼は将来何になるのでしょうか？｣
｢お気の毒ですが、彼はカトリック神父になることでしょう。｣
老婆心の成相 — ユダヤ教徒の父親にとっては大打撃！
昔々、砂漠の真ん中に巨大なスクラップ置き場があった。国会は｢夜、だれかが来てそれを盗むかも知れない｣と考え、夜警の仮眠小屋を作り、夜警を雇い入れた。
国会は次ぎに｢夜警に指示を与える係りも必要だ｣と考え、計画室を創設し、その任に当たらせるため二人を雇った。一人は警備計画書を作成し、もう一人が時間表に従った行動計画の担当だ。
次ぎに、国会は｢でも、夜警が規則通り働いているかを知りようがないではないか｣と言い、品質管理部門を創設し、二人雇い入れた。一人は管理計画書を作成、もう一人は報告書提出が任務だ。
次ぎに、国会は｢これらの人員の給与はどうするのだ｣と考え、就労時間記録係と給与支給係の職を創設し、二人を雇い入れた。
次ぎに、国会は｢これらの職員の総括は誰がするのだろう？｣と考え、管理部を創設し、三人を雇い入れた。一人は管理職統括者、もう一人はその助手、もう一人は秘書だ。
次ぎに、国会は｢この一年間このシステムでやって来たが、予算を18000ドル超過している。予算は枠内に収める必要がある｣と考え、夜警を首にした。
子供たちの言行録
4歳の子供の声は200人の大人の声よりよく聞こえるものです。何年か前、ひどい嵐の日のことでした。私が午前２時ごろ帰宅したときには大雨が降り、稲妻が閃き、雷鳴も轟いていました。寝室にはいると、家内と二人の子供がベッドに寝ていました。よっぽど嵐が怖かったのでしょう。仕方がないので、その夜、わたしは客間のベッドで寝ることにしました。さて、次の朝のこと、わたしは子供たちに言いました。「昨夜はあれでよかったけど、パパが帰ることが分かってる時はママと寝たらいけないよ」。
さて、何週間か後のこと、家内と子供たちがわたしを空港に迎えに来てくれました。飛行機が遅れていたので、何百人もの人たちが空港ロビーの到着出口で待っていました。
わたしの顔が見えると、息子が言いました。「パパ、いいニュースがあるよ」。
わたしは大声で答えたものです。「いいニュースって何だい？」
「パパがいない間だれもママと寝なかったよ」。息子のアレックスはこう叫ぶではありませんか？ 空港中がアレックスの方を向き、それからわたしの顔をジロリと見て、シーンとなりました。そして、次にはアレックスのママが誰であるかキョロキョロ見回したものです。ヤレヤレ！
--------------------------------------------
知り合いの女医から聞いた話です。当時４歳だった娘を車で幼稚園に送って行ったときの出来事だそうです。座席の上に置いてあった聴診器をその子が手に取り、遊び始めました。
「いいぞ、その調子…この子は将来医師になるかも…」と友人は思ったものです。
すると、その子は聴診器をマイクに見立てて、言いました。「マクドナルドにようこそ。ご注文の品は何でしょうか？」
--------------------------------------------
ある女の子は名前を聞かれると「あたしシュガーボンの娘です」と答えていた。
母親が名前を聞かれたら、そうではなく「『わたしはジェーン・シュガーボンです』って言うのよ」と教え込んだものだ。
さて、日曜学校での出来事。牧師から｢あんたはシュガーボンさんの娘だよね？｣と聞かれたその子はこう答えました。
｢私もそう思ってたんだけど、ママがそうではないって言ってたわ｣。
-------------------------------------------
小さな女の子が母親に言った。｢お外に行って男の子達と遊んでもいい？｣
母親が言った。｢駄目よ。男の子達は乱暴（rough）だから｣
しばらく考えてから、その子は言った。｢じゃー、乱暴でない（smooth）子がいたらその子と遊んでもいい？｣
老婆心の成相明人 — smoothには｢女たらし｣の意味もある。
-------------------------------------------
子供向きの説教を始めるに当たり、牧師は子供たちに質問した。｢さて、いい子の皆さん、教会の中で静かにしなければならない理由は何ですか？｣
小さな女の子が手を挙げて、こう答えた。｢それはみんな寝ているからよ｣。
--------------------------------------------
子供向きの説教を牧師が始めると、きれいなドレスを着た女の子が前に歩いてきた。子供たちが席に着くと、牧師はその子の方に身を乗り出し、言った。｢きれいなドレスだね。それは復活祭の時に作ってもらったの？｣
その子は牧師の胸に付けたマイクに口を近づけて言った。｢そうよ。ママがこのドレスにアイロンかけるの大変だって（it's a bitch to iron）｣。
老婆心の成相明人 — 悪い言葉です。真似しないでね。
隣の芝生はもっと青い！
4人の老年ゴルファーがコースに出た。でも、寄る年波には何とやらで…
.｢ここのスロープは昔より角度が高くなったようだね｣と一人がぼやいた。
.｢フェアウェイも昔より長いようだ｣ともう一人が続けた。
.｢サンドトラップもこんなには大きくなかったのに｣と三人目が嘆いた。
このグループで一番頭もはっきりしていた87歳の最長老がこう言った。｢だけど、皆さん、われわれがこの芝生の下でなく上にいることを神様に感謝しようぜ｣。
良いニュースと悪いニュース
妻が夫の仕事場に電話した。
夫 ｢ぼくは今日忙しいんだ。又にしてくれないか｣
妻 ｢だってあなた、二つニュースがあるのよ。良いニュースと悪いニュースと…｣
夫 ｢そんなら、一つだけ聞こうか。さっさとその良いニュースの方を話し給え｣
妻 ｢そうね、エア・バッグはちゃんと動作したわ｣
カトリック神父とラッビが就職状況についておしゃべりしていた。
神父 ｢もう二年もするとわたしは司教に抜擢されるかもしれませんな｣
ラッビ ｢司教様ですって…いいですな…そしてその後は？｣
神父 ｢そうですなぁ…大司教ぐらいにならなれるかもしれませんな…運が良ければ…そして神様がお望みであれば…｣
ラッビ ｢それは結構なことです。そして、大司教になった後は？｣
神父 ｢エッ？ そうですな。その後は枢機卿でしょうが、そのチャンスは恐らくないでしょう。｣
ラッビ ｢いや、赤い帽子はあなたのその顔色にピッタリですよ。で、枢機卿になった後は？｣
神父 ｢その後は教皇ですよ…でも、そのチャンスは考えられない…うーん…でも、理論から言えばその可能性が全然ないとは…何しろ、ポーランド人がなったわけですから、英国人になれないわけは…ですから、わたしが教皇になることも考えられますな｣
ラッビ ｢何てすばらしい…あなたが教皇になればわたしも鼻を高くできるというものですよ。で、教皇の次は？｣
神父 ｢教皇の次？ 教皇でおしまいですよ。もうその上はありません。神様ならいらっしゃいますがね｣
ラッビ ｢それなんですよ。それ…うちの若い者がそれをやってくれましてね…｣
老婆心の成相 — ｢うちの若い者｣は33歳で十字架にかけられた方…
ある大学であった出来事だ。ある日教授がテストをした。学生にテスト用紙を配り、教授は自分の席に戻り、回答の提出を待った。さあ、終業ベルが鳴り、学生達は回答を提出した。ん？ ある学生のテスト用紙にはクリップで100ドル札と「一点につき一ドル」と書いた紙片が挟まれているではないか？ さて、次の授業の際、教授はテスト用紙を学生達に返した。この学生も自分のテスト用紙を受け取ったが、何と、それには64ドルのお釣りがついていた。
五人の人食い人種の若者があるIT関係の会社に就職した。歓迎式典で社長が言った。
「諸君は今や我が社の一員である。我が社は給料も高い。厚生施設も整っている。だから、他の従業員を食ったりしないように。」
人食い人種の五人はそんなことをしないと誓った。四週間後、社長が又来て言った。
「みんなよくやってくれている。満足しているぞ。ところで、最近掃除夫が見あたらないが、お前達心当たり無いか？」
人食い人種の五人は言った。
「社長、滅相もない。」
社長が行ってしまった後で、リーダーが言った。
「誰だ、掃除の小母さんを食った奴は？ 馬鹿者！ 支配人とか、副支配人を食っても気がつく奴は一人もいなかった。それなのに、あの掃除の小母さんを今更食ってしまうなんて、やれやれ…」
日曜日の説教で、牧師は｢汝の敵を許せ｣というテーマで説教することにした。
長々しい説教の後で、牧師は自分の敵を許す気になった者は手を挙げるように言った。会衆の内約半分が手を挙げた。まだ足りない…で、彼はまた２０分ぐらい説教して、同じ質問を繰り返した。
今度は80％が敵を許す気になった。まだ足りない…で、牧師は更に15分の説教をした。そろそろ家に帰って食事をしなければならないので、今度は一人を除いて全員が手を挙げた。
｢ジョーンズさん、あなたはまだ敵を許す気にならないのですか？｣
｢敵なんかいないよ｣
｢それは珍しいことですな。ところで、あなたは何歳ですか？｣
｢86歳｣
｢ジョーンズさん、どうぞ前に来て下さい。皆さんに86歳にもなって敵がいないその秘訣を是非教えていただきたいのです｣
老人はよろよろと前に進み出て言った。
｢簡単なことですよ。わたしはもっと長生きしただけです。あのsons of b!+(#*$よりはね｣
老婆心の成相明人 — b!+(#*$は雌犬という意味ですが、スペリングは教えません。辞書などで調べたりしないでください。アメリカ人から殴られたかったらそう言えば間違いなく殴ってもらえるほど悪い言葉です。
Date: Fri, 07 Dec 2001 15: 15: 02 -0000
From:
"patrickwlaws" < plaws@execpc.com>
Subject: Two Kids in
the Hospital
Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, " What are you in here for?"
The second kid says, " I'm in here to get my tonsils out, and I'm a little nervous."
The first kid says, " You've got nothing to worry about. I had that
done when I was four. They put you to sleep and when you wake up they give
you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze!"
The second kid then asks, "What are you in
for?"
The first kid says, " A circumcision."
And the second kid says, " Whoa! I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year!
Date: Mon, 3 Sep 2001 01: 25: 52 -0500 (CDT)
From: marlinhogejr@webtv.net
Subject:
Porsche Joke
A young boy was riding his moped down the freeway (don't ask me why) when he saw a porsche pulled off the side of the road w/ the driver dinging around under the hood (don't ask me why). So the kid pulled in behind the man. " Excuse me, mister..." the boy inquired. " What do you want, kid?" came the reply. " The Porsche has always been my dream car. I was wondering if you wouldn't mind too much, if I could maybe touch it?"
The man hesitantly replied, " I just got a brand new paint job...well, okay, go ahead...just don't scratch it!" So the boy feels it....ahhh yes, this is heaven..." I'm actually touching a Porsche!" the boy thinks to himself.
"Hey, mister...do you think it would be okay for me to maybe sit in it?"
" Well, okay...just don't touch anything!" So the boy sits in the driver's seat. Digital Alpine stereo...leather upholstery...digital this...digital that....5-speed on the floor...yes...heaven. " Well, thanks, mister!" the boy exitedly, but graciously tells the driver as he goes back to his moped.
The driver takes off, and the boy follows. Then the boy passes the Porshe. The driver, a little irritated shifts quickly into 2nd...3rd...passes him like he's standing still. " That'll show that little punk!" the driver thinks to himself. Suddenly, the boy on the moped passes him up again. " What in the world...?" thinks the driver.
" Okay, you want to play rough, huh?" So he shifts into 4th...5th...going so fast that the Porsche starts to shimmy...but here comes the kid again. " NO WAY!" The driver angrily pulls off the shoulder and the boy follows him in.
The driver disgustingly slams his door as he walks back to the kid. " What
in the world kind of motor do you have in that moped, kid?" As the
kid wipes the bugs off his face he replies...
.
" Mister, I'm sure glad you stopped...my suspender is caught in your
door!"
Date: Sun, 02 Sep 2001 16: 03: 20 -0700
From: Rick Felix < aztubaman@myexcel.com>
Subject: Bats in the Attic
From lead singer with The Cowboy Legends, dear friend and good ol'Baptist
boy, Cowboy Joe Baer:
Bats in the Attic
A Methodist, Catholic and Baptist preacher were discussing problems with bats in their attics.
The Methodist preacher said they shot at them and only made holes in the church. The bats were still there.
The Catholic priest said they caught the bats, took them 20 miles out of town and let them loose, but they came back.
The Baptist preacher said he has solved the problem. He caught the bats, baptized them, put them on the church roll and they haven't been back since.
Date: Mon, 27 Aug 2001 19: 14: 56 -0700
From: Neil Mulholland < baron@dccnet.com>
Subject: [Fwd: Fw: Things kids say]
Subject: Things kids say
Ever notice how a 4 year old's voice is louder than 200 adult voices? Several years ago, I returned home from a trip just when a storm hit with crashing thunder and severe lightning. As I came into my bedroom about 2 a.m., I found my two children in bed with my wife, apparently scared by the loud storm. I resigned myself to sleep in the guest bedroom that night. The next day, I talked to the children, and explained that it was O.K. to sleep with Mom when the storm was bad, but when I was expected home,
please don't sleep with Mom that night. They said OK.
After my next trip several weeks later, Karey and the children picked me up in the terminal at the appointed time. Since the plane was late, everyone had come into the terminal to wait for my plane's arrival, along with hundreds of other folks waiting for their arriving passengers.
As I entered the waiting area, my son saw me, and came running shouting, " Hi, Dad! I've got some good news!"
As I waved back, I said loudly, " What's the good news?"
" Nobody slept with Mommy while you were away this time!" Alex shouted. The airport became very quiet, as everyone in the waiting area looked at Alex, then turned to me, and then searched the rest of the area to see if they could figure out exactly who his Mom was.
--------------------------------------------
An acquaintance of mine who is a physician told this story about her then 4 yr. old daughter. On the way to preschool, the doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it.
" Be still, my heart," thought my friend, " my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps!"
Then the child spoke into the instrument: " Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?"
--------------------------------------------
A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, " I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter." Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, " I'm Jane Sugarbrown."
The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, " Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?"
She replied, " I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."
--------------------------------------------
A little girl asked her mother, " Can I go outside and play with the boys?"
Her mother replied, " No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough."
The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, " If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"
--------------------------------------------
A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, " And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
One bright little girl replied, " Because people are sleeping."
--------------------------------------------
At the beginning of a children's sermon, one girl came up to the altar wearing a beautiful dress. As the children were sitting down around the pastor, the pastor leaned over and said to the girl, " That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter dress?"
The girl replied almost directly into the pastor's clip-on mike, " Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron."
Date: Mon, 27 Aug 2001 07: 08: 26 -0700
From: Rick Felix < aztubaman@myexcel.com>
Subject: [Fwd: Typical Government/Corporate Planning]
Why does this not sound too far fetched?
Denise DeBever wrote:
Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert. Congress said " someone may steal from it at night" . So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job.
Then Congress said, " how does the watchman do his job without instruction?" So they created a planning department and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, and one person to do time studies.
Then Congress said, " how will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?" So they created a Quality Control department and hired two people. One to do the studies and one to write the reports.
Then Congress said, " how are these people going to get paid?" So they created the following positions, a time keeper, and a payroll officer, then hired two people.
Then Congress said, " who will be accountable for all of these people?" So they created an administrative section and hired three people, an Administrative Officer, Assistant administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary.
Then Congress said, " we have had this command in operation for one year and we are $18,000 over budget, we must cutback overall cost.
So they laid off the night watchman.
Date: Mon, 27 Aug 2001 07: 13: 24 -0700
From: Rick Felix < aztubaman@myexcel.com>
Subject: [Fwd: Rabbi's son]
Denise DeBever wrote:
One day, a rabbi goes to a doctor and asks him, " Doctor, my son...I'm terribly worried about him. He's almost 21 now, but I'm not sure of his path in life."
" Don't worry, rabbi," the doctor assures. " Bring your son tomorrow and I shall see him." So off goes the rabbi quite happy.
The next day, the rabbi drags his son to the doctor as planned.
The doctor pulls the rabbi aside, and whispers, " I will give your son a test. I shall place a Bible, some money and a bottle of wine on my table. If your son picks up the Bible, he will become a rabbi, just like you."
The rabbi smiled, and then asked, " And what if he picks up the money?"
" He will be a businessman. And if he takes the bottle of wine, alas! He shall be an alcoholic!" The rabbi looks worried but agrees to wait outside while the tests run.
After ten minutes, the doctor runs out looking terribly worried.
" Which has my son chosen, doctor?" " Your son! He sat down, took the Bible in one hand, pocketed the money and then roceeded to have a drink!"
" What shall become of him, then?" asked the rabbi. " Alas! He shall be a Catholic priest!"
Date: Sun, 26 Aug 2001 14: 03: 16 -0400
From: " John and Diana Newman" < newmanjd@prodigy.net>
Subject: Two
cute ones...
The Grass Is Always Greener ?~~~
A foursome of senior golfers hit the course with waning enthusiasm for
the sport.
"These
hills are getting steeper as the years go by," one complained.
"These
fairways seem to be getting longer too," said one of the others.
" The sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember them
too," said the third senior.
After hearing enough from his Senior buddies, the oldest, and the wisest of the four of them at 87 years old, piped up and said, " Oh my friends, just be thankful we're still on this side of the grass!"
Good News & Bad News~~~
Woman phones up her husband at work for a chat.
Husband: " I'm sorry dear, but I'm up to my neck in work today."
Wife: " But I've got some good news and some bad news for you, dear."
Husband: " Okay, darling, but as I've got very little time now, so just give me the good news."
Wife: " Well, the air bag works."
Date: Wed, 22 Aug 2001 07: 35: 12 -0400
From: " John and Diana Newman" < newmanjd@prodigy.net>
Subject: Test
results
A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait. Once the test was over the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying " A dollar per point." The next class the professor handed the tests back out. This student got back his test and $64 change.
Date: Sat, 11 Aug 2001 16: 20: 27 -0400
From: " John and Diana Newman" < newmanjd@prodigy.net>
Subject: Job
Prospects
This from my Jewish/atheist
father!?
John
A Catholic priest and a Rabbi are talking about job prospects.
" Well," says the priest, " there's a good chance that I'll
be the next bishop ...maybe within the next couple of years."
"Bishop!" marvels the Rabbi, "very nice. And after that?"
" Oh, I don't know, I suppose it's possible I could become Archbishop...
...given luck and God's blessing."
"Very nice, very nice; and after Archbishop?"
" Ha! Well, you know, it's Cardinal after that, but it's really very unlikely. But in theory, I could become a Cardinal."
" Lovely!" enthuses the Rabbi, " the scarlet would suit your complexion. So what's after Cardinal?"
The priest smiles. " After Cardinal? Well, it's Pope...but I'm hardly likely to become...hmmm, oh I suppose it's just possible. If a Pole why not an Englishman again? Yes, I could just become Pope."
" Splendid! I would take personal pride in your becoming the Pope. And after Pope what?"
The priest looks at him in surprise, " After Pope? There's nothing
after Pope! I mean, there's just God above the Pope...I can't become God."
"So why not?, the Rabbi said, One of our
boys made it."
Date: Tue, 07 Aug 2001 19: 50: 46 -0700
From: Rick Felix < aztubaman@myexcel.com>
Subject: [Fwd: SENIOR MOMENT]
AGALLIAN11@aol.com wrote:
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house.After eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitche
The two elderly gentlemen were talking, and one said, " Last night, we went out to a new restaurant, and it was really great.I would recommend it very highly.& quo
The other man said, " What is the name of the restaurant?"
The first man thought and thought, and finally said, " What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?You know... ....the one that is red and has thorns.& quo
" Do you mean a rose?" asked the other man.
" Yes," the man said." That's it." He turned toward the kitchen and yelled, " Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?& quo
Date: Tue, 07 Aug 2001 21: 11: 59 -0700
From: Rick Felix < aztubaman@myexcel.com>
Subject: Successful Female Executive
Edandmarystabler@aol.com wrote:
One day a bus hit a successful executive woman and she died. Her soul arrived at Heaven's Pearly Gates, where the soul was met by St. Peter.
" Welcome to Heaven," he said. " Before you get settled in, it seems we have a problem. You see we've never had an executive make it this far, and we're not really sure what to do with you."
" No problem, just let me in," said the woman.
" Well I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven - and then you can choose where you want to spend an eternity."
" Actually, I've made up my mind. I prefer to stay here in Heaven," said the women.
" Sorry, we have rules." And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down to hell. When the doors opened she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and
standing in front of it were all the fellow executives that she had worked with that had already passed away. They ran up to her and kissed her on both cheeks and talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where they enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (and kind of cute). And she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. Before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everyone shook her hand and waved good-bye.
She got on the elevator and it went up to the Pearly Gates where St. Peter was again waiting for her. " Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said.
So she spent the next 24 hours lounging on clouds, playing the harp, and singing. She had a great time there too, and before she knew it her 24 hours were up. St. Peter then came to her. " So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity," he said.
The woman paused for a second and then replied, " Well, never thought I'd say this, although Heaven seems really great and all, I think I would have a better time in Hell." So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went down to Hell. When the doors opened, she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends dressed
in rags and picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks without bottoms.
The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her. " I don't understand," she said, " There was a golf course and country club here, and we ate lobster and danced and had a great time. Now all there is only a wasteland of garbage and my friends look miserable."
The Devil looked at her and smiled: " Yesterday we were recruiting you; today you're staff."
Date: Tue, 21 Aug 2001 12: 09: 47 -0000
From: bbasile@netacc.net
Subject: Cannibal programmers
Five cannibals get appointed as programmers in an IT company. During the welcoming ceremony the boss says: " You're all part of our team now. You can earn good money here, and you can go to the company canteen for something to eat. So don't trouble the other employees" . The cannibals promise not to trouble the other employees. Four weeks later the boss
returns and says: " You're all working very hard, and I'm very satisfied with all of you. One of our cleaners has disappeared however. Do any of you know what happened to her?" The cannibals disavow all knowledge of the missing cleaner.
After the boss has left, the leader of the cannibals says to the others: " Which of you idiots ate the cleaner?" One of the cannibals raises his hand hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals says: " You FOOL! For four weeks we've been eating team leaders, managers, and project managers and no-one has noticed anything, and now YOU have to go and eat the cleaner!"
Date: Tue, 24 Jul 2001 19: 11: 34 -0700
From: Rick Felix < aztubaman@myexcel.com>
Subject: forgive your enemie
Edandmarystabler@aol.com
wrote:
The preacher, in his Sunday sermon, used "Forgive Your
Enemies" as his subject.
After a long sermon, he asked how many were willing to forgive their enemies. About half held up their hands. Not satisfied he harangued the congregation for another twenty minutes and repeated his question
This received a response of eighty percent. Still unsatisfied, he lectured
for fifteen more minutes and repeated his question. With thoughts of Sunday
dinner, all responded except one old gentleman in the rear.
"Mr. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"
"I
don't have any."
"Mr. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are
you?"
"Eighty-six."
" Mr. Jones, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a man can live to be eighty-six and not have an enemy in the world."
The old man teetered down the aisle and slowly turned around. " It's
easy. I just outlived the sons of b!+(#*$."
.
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