フィリッポ・ネリの肖像

ジョン伯父の仕事は養鶏所経営。わたしが子供のころ、孵化が伯父の専門だった。何百羽かの雌鳥がいた。これらの初年鶏は専門用語でプレットと呼ばれていた。8〜10羽の雄鳥がいて、与えられた任務に励んでいた。伯父は詳しい記録をとっており、成績の悪い鶏は雄でも雌でもたちまち食用にされてしまうのだった。でも、それは面倒な仕事だった。

さて、ぞさぞれ異なる音を出す小さな鈴のセットを見た伯父は、大喜びでそれを購入した。そして、鈴の舌に発泡ラバーを貼り付けた。そうすればそれが激しく揺れない限り音が鳴らないはずだった。さて、次は鈴を雄鳥たちの首にかけた。そして、ハッカ入りのカクテルを作り、ポーチのベンチにどっこいしょと腰掛けた。カクテルでも飲みながらそれぞれの雄鳥たちの成績を帳面に書き付けようというのだった。何しろそれぞれの鈴は音が違うのだから、仕事は簡単。耳を傾けてさえいれば良かった。お気に入りの雄鳥はあのブルースターだった。いやー、あれは立派な雄鳥だった。でも、彼の鈴だけはいくら待っても鳴ろうとしなかった。で、伯父は調べに行った。何羽かの雄鳥は鈴を鳴らしながら、忙しげに雌鳥を追っかけて任務を果たしていた。でもブルースターだけは鈴をくちばしにくわえていたので、当然それは音を出さなかった。彼は雌鳥の後からこっそり近寄り、任務を果たすと、直ちに次の雌鳥の後に忍び寄るのだった。ジョン伯父はブルースターを心から誇りに思っていたので、村のお祭りのとき、ブルースターを品評会に出すことにした。

審査員はブルースターにノーベル賞だけでなく、ピュリッツァー賞まで授与したものだ。

老婆心の成相明人 — ノーベル賞=Nobel Prize=No Bell Prize ピュリッツァー賞=Pulizer Prize=Poulet Surprise

これも面白いぞぉ!だれか訳してね。

A Japanese company and an American company decided to have a canoe race on the Missouri River. Both the teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance before the race. On the big day the Japanese won by a mile.

Afterwards the American team became very discouraged and morally depressed. The American management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found. A " Management Team" made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action.

Their conclusion was that Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the American team had 8 persons steering and one person rowing.

So American management hired a consulting company and paid them incredible amount of money. They advised that too many people were steering the boat and not enough people were rowing.

To prevent losing to the Japanese again next year, the rowing team's management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 3 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager. They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder.

It was called the " Rowing Team Quality First Program," with meetings dinners and free pens for the rower. " We must give the rower the empowerment and enrichments through this quality program."

The next year the Japanese won by two miles. Humiliated, the American management laid off the rower for poor performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and canceled all capital investments for new equipment. Then they distributed the money saved as bonuses to the senior executives.

失業中の男がマイクロソフト社の社員募集の広告に応じて、面接に行った。採用担当社員が行った適性検査の結果、彼は掃除夫として採用されることになった。

採用担当社員曰く「あなたの給料は最低レベルからスタートします。時給5ドル15セント。ところで、電子メールアドレスは? そこに送る書類に必要事項を記入してください。出頭すべき仕事場等を指示しますから…」

ビックリした男は自分にはそんなメールアドレスとかコンピュータなどないことを白状した。

「フーン。…ということはあなたは存在しないも同然ですな。故に就職も諦めてもらいましょう」

男はビックリしたまま面接場を出た。行く当てもなく、ポケットにあるのはたった10ドル。で、彼はスーパーで10キロのトマトを一箱買った。2時間もしない内に彼はトマトを一つ残らずばら売りして100%の利益を挙げた。その日、彼は同じことを何回か繰り返し、結局100ドルがポケットに残ることになった。で、彼はトマトを売れば家族を食わしていけることに気づいた。

朝は早起き、夜も遅くまで働いて、彼は瞬く間に大金持ちになった。トマトの箱を一度に何ダースでも運べるように手押し車も買った。でも、すぐその手押し車を下取りにしてトラックも買わないと拡張するビジネスに対応することができなかった。

こうして2年が経過した。彼のトマト会社はトラックを何十台も所有するようになり、失業していた人たちを100人以上雇い入れることができた。

子供と妻の将来を考えて、彼は生命保険に加入することにした。保険コンサルタントの忠告に従って、彼は新しい財政状態にふさわしい保険契約を結ぶことにした。その相談は電話でしたのだが、コンサルタントは電話を切る前に、契約書を送れるように彼の電子メールアドレスを聞いた。そんなものはないと彼が応えると、ビックリ仰天したコンサルタントが言った。

「インターネットとか電子メールとか電子商取引なしでどうしてそんなに大金持ちになれたのですか?」

しばらく考えなければならなかったが、彼はこう答えた。

「もちろん、そんなものがあれば、わたしはマイクロソフト社で掃除人をやっていたはずですが…」

この話の教訓。

1 インターネット、電子メール、電子商取引はあなたの主人ではない。

2 電子メールアドレスがなくても一生懸命働いたら金持ちになれる。

3 あなたがこの情報をディスプレー上で見たのなら、あなたは大金持ちになるより、掃除夫になる可能性が高い。

4 もし、あなたにコンピュータも電子メールアドレスもあるのなら、マイクロソフト社はあなたを掃除夫として雇いたがっている。

ブッシュ大統領が英国に公式訪問したときの話。専用機のエア・フォース・ワンが赤い絨毯の敷かれた所定地に横付けになった。機中から出た大統領はにこやかに出迎えのエリザベス二世と挨拶を交わし、直ちに女王とバッキンガム宮殿に向かった。乗り物は見事に手入れされた6頭の巨大な馬に牽かれた17世紀製作の美しい馬車だ。大統領と女王は沿道の大群衆ににこやかに手を振って応えていたものだ。

ところが、突然、馬車の扉が外れるほどの勢いですぐ前にいた馬がおならをしたのだ。こういう場合、偉い人たちはあたかも何もなかったかのように振る舞うものだが、それがあまりにも途方もないことであると思った女王は何か言わずにおれなかった。

「大統領閣下、失礼しました。女王といえどもコントロールできないことが世の中にはあるものですわ」

ブッシュ大統領はこう答えた。

「女王陛下、どうぞ、もうそんなことなど気になさらないで下さい。もし、女王様がそうおっしゃらなければ、あれは馬のおならと思っていたはずですが…」

今日は皆さんにほとんどの人が知らない秘密情報を教えて差し上げましょう。1912年当時ヘルマン・マヨネーズは英国で作られていました。実は、タイタニック号にはメキシコに輸出されるはずのそのマヨネーズのビンが12000個も積み込まれていたのです。そうなんです。ニューヨークの次の寄港予定地はメキシコのベラ・クルースでした。

メキシコの人たちはこのブランドのマヨネーズには眼がありませんでした。ですから、毎日のようにマヨネーズが到着するのを待ちこがれていたものです。ですから、タイタニック号が沈没したと聞いたとき、彼らの悲しみは底知れないものでした。どの程度メキシコ人が失望したかは、今日に至るまで喪に服する日を定めているほどです。

その記念日の名ですか?それはSinko de Mayo(5月5日)。

蛇足の成相 — メキシコの国祭日5月5日はスペイン語でSinko de Mayo。これをSinking of Mayonnaiseにひっかけた。あんまり面白くない? すみません。

ある所に工場で働いていた魔法使いがいた。彼はとても満足していたが、一つだけ気に入らないことがあった。それは彼が余りにも大人しいので、それをいいことにして彼に割り当てられている駐車スペースを横取りする奴がいたことだった。でも、彼には名案があった。立て札を建てて、そこにはこう書いておいた。「この場所は魔法使いの専用スペース。…違反車はヒキガエル(toad=towed)にされるであろう」

老婆心の成相から一言 — toad はヒキガエル。気に入らない人間をヒキガエルに変身させるのは、魔法使いの得意とする魔術。towed つまり tow の過去分詞…レッカー車で移動されてしまうぞ…発音は同じ。

From: Rick Felix < aztubaman@myexcel.com>
Subject: [Fwd: My Uncle John]

From Jim in Thousand Oaks. This one is almost as bad as some of Pat
Cleaver's! ; -)

Grayoaks@aol.com wrote:

My uncle John was in the fertilized egg business when I was young. He had several hundred young layers, called pullets, and eight or 10 roosters whose job was to fertilize the eggs. My uncle kept records and any rooster or pullet that didn't perform well went into the pot and was replaced. Now this took an awful lot of time. So when my uncle saw a set of eight tiny bells that each rang a different tone he promptly bought them. He glued a piece of foam rubber to each clapper shaft so the bell wouldn't ring except when violently shaken. He hung a bell on each rooster's neck and went and mixed a Mint Julep. He took a seat on the porch to relax and sip his Julep while filling out an efficiency report on the roosters by listening to the different tones of the bells and marking down each encounter. My uncle's favorite rooster was old Brewster. A very fine specimen he was, but his bell had not rung all morning. Uncle John went to investigate. Several roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells a-ringing. Brewster had his bell in his beak so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. Uncle John was so proud of Brewster he entered him in the county fair. Brewster was an overnight sensation.

The judges not only awarded him the No Bell Prize but also the Pullet Surprise.

From: Rick Felix < aztubaman@myexcel.com>
Subject: [Fwd: Modern management...]

Why does this scenario not seem so far from the truth?

Denise DeBever wrote:

A Japanese company and an American company decided to have a canoe race on the Missouri River. Both the teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance before the race. On the big day the Japanese won by a mile.

Afterwards the American team became very discouraged and morally depressed. The American management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found. A " Management Team" made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action.

Their conclusion was that Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the American team had 8 persons steering and one person rowing.

So American management hired a consulting company and paid them incredible amount of money. They advised that too many people were steering the boat and not enough people were rowing.

To prevent losing to the Japanese again next year, the rowing team's management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 3 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager. They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder.

It was called the " Rowing Team Quality First Program," with meetings dinners and free pens for the rower. " We must give the rower the empowerment and enrichments through this quality program."

The next year the Japanese won by two miles. Humiliated, the American management laid off the rower for poor performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and canceled all capital investments for new equipment. Then they distributed the money saved as bonuses to the senior executives.

Date: Mon, 02 Jul 2001 06: 35: 43 -0700
From: Rick Felix < aztubaman@myexcel.com>
Subject: [Fwd: Tomato Man]

Denise DeBever wrote:

An unemployed man goes to apply for a job with Microsoft as a janitor. The manager there arranges for him to take an aptitude test (Section: Floors, sweeping and cleaning).

After the test, the manager says, " You will be employed at minimum wage, $5.15 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address, so that I can send you a form to complete and tell you where to report for work on your first day.

Taken aback, the man protests that he has neither a computer nor an eMail address. To this the MS manager replies, " Well, then, that means that you virtually don't exist and can therefore hardly expect to be employed.

Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and having only $10 in his wallet, he decides to buy a 25 lb flat of tomatoes at the supermarket. Within less than 2 hours, he sells all the tomatoes individually at 100% profit. Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with almost $100 before going to sleep that night. And thus it dawns on him that he could quite easily make a living selling tomatoes.

Getting up early every day and going to bed late, he multiplies his profits quickly. After a short time he acquires a cart to transport several dozen boxes of tomatoes, only to have to trade it in again so that he can buy a pick-up truck to support his expanding business.

By the end of the second year, he is the owner of a fleet of pick-up trucks and manages a staff of a hundred former unemployed people, all selling tomatoes.

Planning for the future of his wife and children, he decides to buy some life insurance. Consulting with an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his new circumstances. At the end of the telephone conversation, the adviser asks him for his eMail address in order to send the final documents electronically. When the man replies that he has no e-mail, the adviser is stunned, " What, you don't have e-mail? How on earth have you managed to amass such wealth without the Internet, e-mail and e-commerce? Just imagine where you would be now, if you had been connected to the internet from the very start!"

After a moment of thought, the tomato millionaire replied, " Why, of course! I would be a floor cleaner at Microsoft!"

Moral of this story:

1. The Internet, eMail and eCommerce do not need to rule your life.
2. If you don't have eMail, but work hard, you can still become a millionaire.
3. Seeing that you got this story via eMail, you could be closer
to becoming a janitor than you are to becoming a millionaire.
4. If you do have a computer and eMail, you have already been taken to
the cleaners by Microsoft.

Date: Fri, 29 Jun 2001 21: 58: 58 -0400
From: " jspapandrea" < jspapandrea@netzero.net>
Subject: Fw: A Bush Moment

President Bush is representing the United States of America on a highly formal,  carefully orchestrated state visit to England.  Air Force One lands and comes to a stop at one end of a bright red carpet along which the President strides to join Queen Elizabeth II in a beautiful, ornate 17th-century coach hitched to six enormous matched white horses. The coach proceeds through the streets of London en route to Buckingham Palace. The Queen and the President all-the-while waving to the cheering crowds.

Then suddenly the right rear horse produces a thunderous, cataclysmic fart that reverberates through the air and rattles the door latches on the coach. Uncomfortable, the reaction of the two powerful figures is to focus their attentions elsewhere and behave as if nothing extraordinary had happened.

But the Queen is the first to realize that ignoring what had just happened is ridiculous. She explains, " Mr. President, please accept my regrets. I'm sure you understand that there are some things which even a Queen cannot control."

President Bush replies, " Your Majesty, please don't give the matter another thought. If you hadn't said something I would have thought it was one of the horses."

Date: Sun, 10 Jun 2001 14: 45: 01 -0400
From: Patrick Cleaver < ptc@iglou.com>
Subject: Awful Pun

Most people don't know that back in 1912 Hellman's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the " Titanic" was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after New York City.

Mexicans were crazy about the stuff. The Mexican people were eagerly awaiting delivery and were disconsolate(" desperados" ) at the loss. So much so that they declared a national day of mourning which they still observe today.

It is known, of course, as ...Sinko de Mayo.

Date: Sun, 10 Jun 2001 14: 45: 04 -0400
From: Patrick Cleaver < ptc@iglou.com>
Subject: Another Awful Pun

There's this Wizard who worked in a factory. Everything was satisfactory except that certain miscreants, taking advantage of his good nature, would steal his parking spot. This continued until he put up the following sign: " This parking space belongs to the Wizard. ... Violators will be toad."

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