English Original フィリッポ・ネリの画像

最低のスコアでゴルフコースをまわった男が家に帰ってきた。ソーファにひっくりかえってテレビを見ようというのだ。で、妻に言った。

「そろそろ始まるぞ。ビール持ってきてくれ」

妻はため息をついたが、ビールを持ってきた。

15分経った。彼はまた言った。

「始まる前にビールをもう一杯持ってきてくれ」

妻は機嫌が余り良くないが、それでもビールを持ってきて、ぶっきらぼうに彼の前にガタンと音をさせてビールを置いた。

彼は一息にそれを飲み干すと、また言った。「早くもう一杯ビールを持ってきてくれ。もうすぐ始まりそうだ」

さぁ、妻はもうカンカンに怒りだした。そして怒鳴った。

「あんたは一日中ゴルフしてたと思ったら、今度は一晩中ビール飲んでテレビ見るだけなの? あんたは怠け者の豚野郎だわよ。それだけじゃないわ、あんたなんて…」

男はため息をついていった。

「あ、始まった」

金髪女性がパイロット養成所に行って、その日の内に飛べるようになりたいと言うのだ。飛行機は全部出払っていたので、教官は飛行機の代わりに彼女をヘリコプターに乗せることにした。何、無線で指示を与えればそれで済む。

でも、まずは一緒に地上のヘリコプターに乗り込んで、エンジンの始動、その他基本を教えた。こうして彼女は一人で飛び立った。
.
高度300メートルに上昇した彼女から無線が入った。「すてきだわーっ。上手でしょーっ? 景色がいいわよー。操縦の仕方も簡単簡単!」

高度600メートルで、また無線が入った。内容は「うまく行ってるわよん。ヘリコプターの操縦って簡単ねーっ。もう全部分かったわよ」

教官は彼女が高度1000メートルに上昇するのを心配そうに見上げた。彼女からの無線はない。彼は心配し始めた。

しばらくすると、何と、彼女の乗ったヘリコプターが少し離れた所にに大きな音を立てて落ちてきた。あわてふためいた教官はすっ飛んで行って、彼女をヘリコプターの残骸の中から救出した。

何が起きたか彼が聞くと、彼女はにこやかにこう言うではないか。

「何が起ったか知らないわよ。何もかもうまく行ってたのに、高度が上がると寒くなるのね。わたし風邪引くんじゃないかって心配したの。それ以外は何も覚えてないわ。あっ、そうそう。あの大きな扇風機のスイッチを切った後のことは…」

ここにあなたの翻訳が…添削料は無料だぞぉー…ここにもあるぞぉ…早い者勝ちだぁ…クリックしてね!

結婚式場に向かう途中、交通事故に遭って死んだ可哀想な恋人たちがいた。彼らは天国の門で聖ペトロが手続きを済ましてくれるのを待っていた。待っている間に、自分たちは天国で結婚できるのだろうか、と思い始めた。

いよいよ彼らの番になり、聖ペトロの前に出たとき、思いきって聞いてみた。ビックリした聖ペトロはこう言った。

「君たちのようなカップルは初めてだ。前例が全くない。でも、一応は調べてみよう」

二人はそこにしゃがんで返事を待つことにした。何と2ヶ月もの間…

待っている間、彼らは話し合った。もし、天国で結婚が許されたら、そして実際に結婚できたら、その結婚は永遠に続くはず…

「もしうまく行かなかったら、わたしたちは永遠に結ばれっぱなしになるのだろうか?」と二人は考え始めた。

その後また1ヶ月待った後、やっと聖ペトロがさも疲れた顔で帰ってきた。

「あんた達は天国で結婚できることになったよ。おめでとう!」

「やったぁ! でも、でも…もしうまくいかなかったら、天国では離婚もできるんでしょうか?」

聖ペトロは怒りで真っ赤な顔をして、手に持ったクリップ・ボードを地面に投げつけた。

「どうなさったのですか?」と二人が聖ペトロに聞くと…

「おい、おい、いい加減にしてくれよ。司式してくれる神父を探すのに3ヶ月もかかったんだぞ。弁護士を探すのにどのぐらい苦労するか見当も付かないぜ」

老婆心の成相 — わたしも神父だが、天国にいけるのでしょうか? 何しろプロテスタントの信者に御聖体拝領させる神父様が…これは冗談ではありません。

ここにあなたの翻訳が…プロ翻訳家の登竜門だぁ…!

ある日のこと、花屋が床屋に行った。散髪が済み、彼は床屋にいくら払えばいいか聞いた。すると床屋がこう言うではないか。

「せっかくですが、お金はいりません。これはサービスです」

花屋はすっかり気持ちよくなって床屋を出た。

次の朝のことだ。床屋が店に行くと、ドアの前にお礼のカードと花束が置いてあるではないか。

今度は警官が散髪にやってきた。散髪が済み、彼は床屋にいくら払えばいいか聞いた。すると床屋がこう言うではないか。

「せっかくですが、お金はいりません。これはサービスです」

警官はすっかり気持ちよくなって床屋を出た。

次の朝のことだ。床屋が店に行くと、ドアの前にお礼のカードとドーナッツが一箱置いてあるではないか。

さて、次にやってきたのは民主党員だ。散髪が済み、彼は床屋にいくら払えばいいか聞いた。すると床屋がこう言うではないか。

「せっかくですが、お金はいりません。これはサービスです」

民主党員はすっかり気持ちよくなって床屋を出た。

次の朝のことだ。床屋が店に行くと、何と、無料散髪が目当ての民主党員が12人も並んでいるではないか。

老婆心の成相 — アメリカでは民主党ジョークが大流行です。中絶権を主張する民主党に投票するのは愚かなことであるのに、50%以上のカトリック信者がゴアに投票しました。米国のカトリック教会は病気です。日本の教会も…

男が妻に聞いた。

「お前、誕生日には何が欲しいかね?」

「もう一度、十に戻れたらねぇ!」と、妻は返事した。

誕生日の朝、男は朝早くに妻を起こし、一緒に遊園地に出かけた。男は妻をあらゆる乗り物に乗せた。死のローラー・コースターとか悲鳴の輪とか恐怖の壁などという恐ろしそうな名前が付いた最新の乗り物にだ。

さて、5時間後、妻はよろよろしながら遊園地を後にした。めまいはするし、胃もむかついて吐き気まで催しながら…

二人はマクドナルドに行き、男は妻のためにビッグ・マックを注文してやった、無論、大盛りのフライドポテトやチョコレート・シェイクも!

それが済むと映画を見た。スターウォーズ・シリーズの最新版だ。ホットドッグにポップコーン、ペプシとM& M(粒状のチョコレート)を食べながら…

何て楽しいんだろう。二人がやっと家に辿り着くと、妻はベッドにぶっ倒れてしまった。男は妻の上に屈みこんで、できるだけ優しい声で尋ねたものだ。  

「ハニー、今日は十代に戻れたかい?」

やっとの思いで片目だけ開けた妻が言った。

「あんたって馬鹿ねぇ。十ってドレスのサイズのことよ」

教訓 — 女が男に何か言うと、男は必ず誤解する。
  

岩切訳

恋する喜び

フロリダにあるモービル・ホーム・パークでの出来事。彼は寡夫。彼女も寡婦だった。お互いもう何年もの知り合いだった。さて、ある夜のこと、夕食会で彼らは同じテーブルで向き合って座ることになった。食事も終わりに近づいたころ、彼は彼女をうっとりと眺めたものだ。しばらく躊躇したものの、思い切って言った。「お願いだ。ぼくと結婚してくれないか?」

6秒程熟慮してから、彼女は答えた。「はい、お受けしますわ」さて、食事も終わり、二人は更におしゃべりしてから、それぞれの車に帰って行った。

翌朝のことだ。さあ大変! 「彼女は『はい』と言ったのだろうか…それとも『いいえ』と言ったのだろうか?」彼はどうしてもそれを思い出すことができなかったのだ。ホント。こんなに大事なことなのに、まったく記憶になかった。彼はあれこれ迷った挙げ句、電話して聞いてみることにした。

まず、彼は以前と違って記憶力が薄れたことを告白し、次ぎに前の晩の食事がどんなに楽しかったかを告げた。そしてありったけの勇気を振り絞って聞いてみた。「ぼくが昨夜君に結婚してくれるように頼んだとき、君は何て返事した? 悪いけどどうしても思い出せないんだ」

嬉しいことに、彼女はこう言うではないか。「もちろん、わたし心の底から『はい』って返事したわよ」

そしてこう付け加えた。

「お電話本当にありがとう。だって、わたしも誰からプロポーズされたのか、どうしても思い出せなくって悩んでたのよ」

......

Date: Tue, 12 Jun 2001 08: 50: 45 -0700
From: Rick Felix < aztubaman@myexcel.com>
Subject: Golf story]

acjspres@aol.com wrote:

A man comes home after a terrible round of golf, his worst ever. He plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife " Get me a beer before it starts."

The wife sighs and gets him a beer.

Fifteen minutes later, he says, " Get me another beer before it starts."

She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him.

He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, " Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute."

The wife is furious. She yells at him " You've been out golfing all day! Is that all you're going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore
. . ."

The man sighs and says, " It's started..."

Date: Fri, 15 Jun 2001 15: 27: 26 -0400
From: Patrick Cleaver < ptc@iglou.com>
Subject:

Jimmy is almost 29 years old, his friends have already gotten married, and Jimmy just dates and dates.

Finally a friend asks him, " What's the matter, are you looking for the perfect woman? Are you that particular? Can't you find
anyone who suits you?"

" No," Jimmy replies. " I meet many nice girls, but as soon as I bring them home to meet my parents, my Mother doesn't like them. So I keep on looking!"

" Listen," his friend suggests, " Why don't you find a girl who's just like your dear ole Mother?"

Many weeks go by and again Jimmy and his friend get together. " So, Jimmy, did you find the perfect girl yet? One that's just like your Mother?"

Jimmy shrugs his shoulders, " Yes I found one just like Mom. My Mother loved her, they quickly became friends."

" Are you and this girl engaged, yet?"

" I'm afraid not, my Father can't stand her!"

Date: Thu, 28 Jun 2001 14: 34: 46 -0700
From: Rick Felix < aztubaman@myexcel.com>
Subject: Dumb joke 'bout a dumb blonde from Jim in 1,000 Oaks

Grayoaks@aol.com wrote:

A blonde went to a flight school, insisting she wanted to learn to fly that day. As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to instruct her on how to pilot the helicopter solo by radio.

He took her out, showed her how to start it and gave her the basics and sent her on her way.

After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in. " I'm doing great! I love it! The view is so beautiful, and I'm starting to get the hang of this."

After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was becoming to fly. The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and was beginning to worry that she hadn't radioed in.

A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about half a mile away. He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage.

When he asked what happened, she said, " I don't know! Everything was going fine, but as I got higher, I was starting to get cold. I can't remember anything after I turned off the big fan."

Date: Thu, 28 Jun 2001 11: 49: 19 -0700
From: Rick Felix < aztubaman@myexcel.com>
Subject: [Fwd: Catholics will love this one]

GraceB2UandPeace@aol.com wrote:

George loves the race track. One day he was there betting on the ponies and nearly losing his shirt when he noticed this priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the fourth race. Lo and behold, this horse--a very long shot--won the race.

George was most interested to see what the priest did for the next race. Sure enough, he watched the priest step out onto the track as the fifth race horses lined up, and placed his blessing on the forehead of one of the horses. George made a beeline for the window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race.

George collected his winnings and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest bestowed his blessing on for the sixth race. The priest showed, blessed a horse, George bet on it, and won! George was elated.

As the day went on, the priest continued blessing one of the horses and it always came in first. George began to pull in some serious money, and by the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick stop at the ATM and withdrew every penny he owned and waited for the priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to place the bet on.

True to his pattern, the priest stepped out onto the track before the last race and blessed the forehead, eyes, ears and hooves of one of the horses. eorge placed his bet--every last cent he owned--and watched the horse come in dead last.

George was dumbfounded. He made his way to the track, and when he found the priest, he demanded, What happened, Father? All day you blessed horses and they won. The last race, you bless a horse and he loses. Now I've lost my life savings, thanks to you!

The priest nodded wisely and said: That's the problem with you Atheists. You can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and the Last Rites!!!!!

Date: Wed, 27 Jun 2001 22: 11: 30 -0700
From: Rick Felix < aztubaman@myexcel.com>
Subject: Little Jimmy and God

Robert Rosen wrote:

Little Jimmy was lying on a hillock in the middle of a meadow on a warm spring day. Puffy white clouds rolled by and he pondered their shape.

Soon, he began to think about God. " God? Are you really there?" Jimmy said out loud. To his astonishment a voice came from the clouds.

" Yes, Jimmy? What can I do for you?"

Seizing the opportunity, Jimmy asked, " God? What is a million years like to you?"

Knowing that Jimmy could not understand the concept of infinity, God responded in a manner to which Jimmy could relate, " A million years to me, Jimmy, is like a minute."

" Oh," said Jimmy.

" Well, then, what's a million dollars like to you?"

" A million dollars to me, Jimmy, is like a penny."

" Wow!" remarked Jimmy, getting an idea. " You're so generous, can I have one of your pennies?"

God replied, " Sure thing, Jimmy! Just a minute."

Date: Wed, 27 Jun 2001 16: 40: 24 -0700
From: Rick Felix < aztubaman@myexcel.com>
Subject: [Fwd: Ten Again]

Denise DeBever wrote:

A man asked his wife, " What would you most like for your birthday?"

" I'd love to be ten again," she replied.

On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear----everything there was!

Wow! Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down.

Right to a McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered a Big Mac for her along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie---the latest Star Wars epic, with hot dogs, popcorn, Pepsi Cola and M& Ms.

What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed. He leaned over and lovingly asked, " Well, dear, what was it like being ten again?"

One eye opened. " You idiot, I meant my dress size."

The moral of this story is, If a woman speaks and a man is there to hear her, he will get it wrong anyway.

Date: Wed, 27 Jun 2001 08: 37: 22-0700 (PDT)
From: Kathy Morrison < lumen_christi@yahoo.com>
Subject: How about some levity?

On their way to get married, a young couple are involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter shows up, they asked him. St. Peter says, " I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves. The couple sat and waited for an answer. ..for a couple of months.

While they waited, they discussed that IF they were allowed to get married in Heaven, SHOULD they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all.

" What if it doesn't work?" they wondered, " Are we stuck together FOREVER?"

After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. " Yes," he informs the couple, " you CAN get married in Heaven."

" Great!" said the couple, " But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?" St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground.

" What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.

" OH, COME ON!!" St. Peter shouts, " It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?


Date: Wed, 20 Jun 2001 17: 18: 11 -0400
From: Patrick Cleaver < ptc@iglou.com>
Subject: unusual behavior by job applicants

Top personnel executives of major American corporations were surveyed and asked for stories of unusual behavior by job applicants. Here's what they reported:

** " He said he was so well-qualified that if he didn't get the job, it would prove that the company's management was incompetent."

** " She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to me and the music at the same time."

** " Balding candidate abruptly excused himself [and] returned to office a few minutes later wearing a hairpiece."

** " Asked to see the interviewer's resume to see if the personnel executive was qualified to judge the candidate."

** " Announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and French fries in the interviewer's office."

** " Stating that, if he were hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm."

** " Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering specific interview questions."

** " Wouldn't get out of the chair until I would hire him. I had to call the police."

** " At the end of the interview, while I stood there dumbstruck, went through my purse, took out a brush, brushed his hair, and left."

** " Pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash picture of me. Said he collected photos of everyone who interviewed him."

** "Said he wasn't interested because the position paid too much."

** " During the interview, an alarm clock went off from the candidate's briefcase. He took it out, shut it off, apologized an said he had to leave for another interview."

** " He took off his right shoe and sock, removed a medicated foot powder and dusted it on the foot and the shoe. While he was putting back the shoe and sock, he mentioned that he had to use the powder four times a day, and this was the time."

** " She threw up on my desk, and immediately started asking questions about the job, like nothing had happened."

Date: Fri, 22 Jun 2001 20: 45: 47 -0700
From: Rick Felix < aztubaman@myexcel.com>
Subject: [Fwd: Fwd: YEAH..........RIGHT...............lol]

Trude Duckworth wrote: had to share!

REQUEST FOR MONEY

Dear Friend:

We have the distinguished honor of being on the committee to raise five million dollars for a monument of Bill Clinton. We originally wanted to put him on Mt. Rushmore until we discovered there was not enough room for two more faces.

We then decided to erect a statue of Bill Clinton in Washington, DC Hall of Fame. We were in a quandary as to where the statue should be placed. It was not proper to place it beside the statue of George Washington, who never told a lie, or beside Jesse Jackson, who never told the truth, since Bill Clinton could never tell the difference.

We finally decided to place it beside Christopher Columbus, the greatest Democrat of them all. He left not knowing where he was going, did not know where he was, returned not knowing where he had been, and did it all on someone else's money.

If you are one of the fortunate people who have anything left after taxes, we expect a generous contribution to this worthwhile project. Thank you,

Bill Clinton Monument Committee

PS: The committee has raised over $1.35 so far!

Date: Fri, 22 Jun 2001 23: 03: 45 -0700
From: Rick Felix < aztubaman@myexcel.com>
Subject: [Fwd: You Know Its a Bad Day When....]

Denise DeBever wrote:

You Know It's A Bad Day When...

... The bird singing outside your window is a buzzard.

... You open the paper and find your picture under a caption that reads: " WANTED: DEAD OR ALIVE!"

... Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.

... You wake up face down on the pavement.

... Your horn goes off accidently and remains stuck as you are following a group of Hell's Angels on the freeway.

... You see a " 60 Minutes News Team" waiting in your outer office.

Date: Sat, 23 Jun 2001 07: 13: 17 -0400
From: Patrick Cleaver < ptc@iglou.com>

One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he asks the barber about his bill.

" I am sorry, I cannot accept money from you. I am doing community service." The florist is pleased and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber goes to open his shop, there is a thank you card and a dozen roses waiting at his door.

Later a Cop comes in for a haircut and he also goes to pay the barber, and the barber replies: " I am sorry I cannot accept money from you. I am doing community service." The cop is happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning the barber goes to open his shop there is a thank you card and a dozen donuts waiting at his door.

A Democrat comes for a haircut and when he asks the barber what he owes, the barber replies:  " I am sorry I cannot accept money from you. I am doing community service."

The Democrat is very happy and leaves.

The next morning when the barber goes to open his shop, he finds a dozen Democrats, lined up waiting for a free haircut

Date: Tue, 26 Jun 2001 07: 24: 17 -0700
From: Rick Felix < aztubaman@myexcel.com>
Subject: [Fwd: marriage proposal]

Denise DeBever wrote:

There were these two elderly people living in a Florida mobile home park. He was a widower and she a widow. They had known one another for a number of years. Now, one evening there was a community supper in the big activity center. These two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went on, he made a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered up his courage to ask her, " Will you marry me?"

After about six seconds of 'careful consideration,' she answered. " Yes. Yes, I will." The meal ended and with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective places.

Next morning, he was troubled. " Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'?" He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. No even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her.

First, he explained to her that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more courage, he then inquired of her, " When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'?"

He was delighted to hear her say, " Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I meant it with all my heart."

Then she continued, " And I am so glad that you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me."

Date: Sat, 16 Jun 2001 10: 45: 11 -0400
From: " Angela" < BERNADETTE@PATHWAY.NET>
Subject: Heaven's voice mail

Hi Folks:

Most of us have now learned to live with " voice mail" as a necessary part of our daily lives. But have you ever wondered what it would be like if Heaven decided to install voice mail?

Imagine praying hearing the following:

Thank you for calling Heaven. For English, press 1. For Italian, press 2. For all other languages, press 0.

Please select one of the following options:
Press 1 for Requests
Press 2 for Thanksgiving
Press 3 for Complaints
Press 4 for all other inquiries.

I am sorry; all of our angels and saints are busy helping other sinners right now. However, your prayer is important to us, and we will answer it in the order it was received. Please stay on the line.
 
If you would like to speak to:
God, press 1. - Jesus, press 2. - Holy Spirit, press 3.

If you would like to hear King David sing a Psalm while you are holding, press 4.

To find a loved one that has been assigned to Heaven, press 5, then enter his or her social security number, followed by the pound sign.

(If you receive a negative response, please hang up and try the 'hot" code: 60606).

For reservations at Heaven, please enter J-O-H-N, followed by the numbers 3-1-6.

For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, the age of the earth, life on other planets, and where Noah's Ark is, please wait until you arrive.

Our computers show that you have already prayed today. Please hang up and try again tomorrow. If you can pray on your own, continue to do so.

The office is now closed for the weekend to observe the Sabbath. Please pray again on Monday after 9: 30 a.m.

If you are calling after hours and need emergency assistance, please contact your local pastor.

Thank you, and have a heavenly day.

Date: Sat, 16 Jun 2001 10: 53: 15 -0400
From: " Angela" < BERNADETTE@PATHWAY.NET>
Subject: Robins

This is the corniest thing I ever read - - - I sent it to you just for a laugh!

Two robins were sitting in a tree. "I'm really hungry" said the first one.

"Me, too" said the second. "Let's fly down and find some lunch."

They flew down to the ground and found a nice plot of newly plowed ground that was just full of worms. They ate and ate and ate 'til they could eat no more.

" I'm so full I don't think I can fly back up into the tree" said the first robin.

" Me neither. Let's just lay back here and bask in the warm sun" said the second robin.

"O. K." said the first.

So they plopped down, basking in the sun. No sooner than they had fallen asleep when a big fat tom cat snuck up and gobbled them up. As the cat sat washing his face after his meal he thought . . . . .

(Scroll down)
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( Keep scrolling!)
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(You're going to like this one . . . . . . .are you ready  ? ? ?)
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( Here it is . . . . . . . . . . drum roll )
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" I just love baskin' robins!"

I can hear in now . . . . ..aaarrrrrrrgggggghhhhhhhh        !!!!!!!!!!!

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